Joy, discomfort, fear and trust. Notes from the Himalayas.
Since arriving to India, beginning our four-month journey across Asia, I’ve felt fantastically in flow. Every day a wild adventure, full of action, education, inspiration and joy.
Two days ago we travelled 15hours with our driver Raj at night deep into the Himalayas, on potentially the most dangerous road on Earth. It was intense, but I felt no fear. Just frustration and pain, and a huge desire for comfort. Working through these intense emotions at 3am when every muscle of my body ached trying to hold my sick son in the back seat of a troopy whilst absolutely freezing my skinny little boobies off was challenging. Having both sons yell out ‘stop’ to the driver continuously along the way to vomit, was hard.
One of my great teachers, Guru Singh, says we can only grow from the space we have not previously occupied. He says: be comfortable in the uncomfortable. This is how we grow.
Tears filled my eyes at sunrise, as we passed the second-highest driveable pass in the world...I got my fucking period in a Himalayan Outdoor toilet with no paper, no water, and someone else’s giant shit looking at me from the squat bowl below. I thought I was done. But then I walked back to the makeshift tent where we’d stopped for chai and heat and saw my kids battling their altitude sickness with glassy eyes, and no whinging.
Those tough little ninjas made me pull my shit together. And a big cuddle from my love Remy - whenever one of us drops down, the other holds us up. We never crash at the same time. We’re good like that. The four of us. We’re a team. Each on our own individual journey, but each having the others’ backs. Our little internationally diverse family doing it our way.
Today, a simple thought caught some old rooted insecurities off guard, and instantly fear filled my mind, and subsequently my body. Fear about the future, questioning my self, my lover, money...what would come of all of this adventure?
Tears filled my eyes, and I felt ashamed. Ashamed that during the most intense, dangerous road trip of my life with my kids in tow I didn’t once feel fear, yet suddenly something so insignificant could set off a chain reaction of negative, self-sabotaging stories that could so quickly shift me out of my inner peace. I felt so ashamed I couldn’t communicate my feelings to Remy immediately, and watching his confusion was even more torturous. Communication is one of our greatest points together, and I was failing the team. More salt in the wound. Fear is a fucker like that.
He kissed my lips and sent me off to the shower, suggesting I finish off with ‘a coldie’; full power cold water for a minute or so. After the coldie I came back and clearly communicated my feelings. Instantly my fears were gone, as fast as they had arisen.
The answers to my questions were not answered. I don’t know what will come of all of this. I don’t know what will happen next, if money will come, if the kids can keep educating on the road, if I’ll write my book, if the other projects I want to work on will eventuate, if Remy and I will keep strengthening our love, if, if, if, if!
What I do know is that the ‘ifs’ will kill me.
Not trying, will trap me.
Not trusting, will break me.
Not loving, will destroy me.
In a couple days, we set off for Srinagar and Jammu, in Kashmir. The media says it’s unstable, the Australian government says do not travel there. The locals, of which we’ve met many here in Ladakh, say our route will be completely safe and the Kashmiris are welcoming travelers with open arms.
I don’t fear the journey.
It’s in the journey I feel most present.
It’s in the journey I overcome my self-sabotaging fears, and this is why I know deep down this path is the right one.
Trust in life, and life will flow through you abundantly.
That’s a simple little freedom.
Good night from the Himalayas xx